I was THAT kid. The kid who was scared of roller coasters. I bet I didn’t build up enough courage to finally ride one until I was 15 years old. And when you grow up in a little town, solely on the map because Six Flags resides there, the situation of being afraid of roller coasters can come up more than you would think.
I distinctly remember one occasion where I was trying to be brave when my older cousins took me and my older brother to Six Flags for the day. They were in high school and driving, while I was tripping my way through life in 5th grade just trying to learn how to multiply & divide. So, needless to say I was trying to show these girls (whom I looked up to with rose-colored glasses) that I could hang like a teeny-bopper. Now, my brother at that age was truly fearless— riding horses bareback with his hands up in the air, speed on any mode of transportation just wasn’t ever fast enough for him, and there wasn’t a wild animal he couldn’t catch with his bare, little hands (well, small bird- or rodent-like wild animals, anyway). I wanted so badly to be fearless like him. But after waiting in line for the Ninja (aka, at that time, the craziest, fastest, upside-down-looping-est coaster we’d ever seen) for an hour or so with my very cool teenage cousins, I did the unthinkable. Instead of sitting down in my specific seat as I entered the ride, I walked straight through and got out onto the exiting platform. I looked back at my cousins and brother, and they all gave me a look. Well, my brother gave me the, “You are such a little baby, why did we bring you?”-look. My sweet cousins gave me the, “Are you sure honey?… you’re gonna miss out on all the fun!”-look. I skittishly turned on my heel, and slinked my way to the bottom of the hill, to wait for the group to exit the ride shrilling with energy and laughter. And that’s exactly what happened. When my cousins saw me, they gave me a look of pity…. I could read their minds… “oh sweetheart, you would’ve had so much fun….” They didn’t say it though. And I could tell they would’ve loved to ride it again and again, but my cousins didn’t want to leave me sad at the bottom of the hill. So we moved on… to the carousel:) my fave! But I could tell how bummed the whole group was with this “boring” outcome, all because I lacked bravery.
I would love to say that was the only life lesson on fear that I had to encounter, but you all know how our journeys continue. There was many missed chances: solos, dances, dates, speeches, auditions, team tryouts, etc. However, I think each instance of being cowardly or insecure, resulting in me missing out on something amazing, slowly started to mold the human I was becoming—-starting with that embarrassing day at Six Flags.
A lot of my metamorphosis was due to my folks. They encouraged me, they gave me pep talks, and made me feel like there was truly nothing I COULD. NOT. DO. My mom was (and still is) completely in tune with my head— she knew how I always freaked out during the first month of anything new that I tried (a new grade, a new class, a new sport/hobby), and that I’d undoubtedly come home sobbing & second-guessing my bravery. She’d remind me of my strength, that I was just starting out, and that I just needed to breathe. The next day was always better.
And I started to notice a difference. My friends would start making comments to me like, “Oh there is no way I could try out for that choir, that’s too embarrassing…” or “Aren’t you afraid of who will see you do that?” And that was when I realized I had a strong sense of bravery. That’s not supposed to sound cocky either—I’m not THE bravest person. But I have found out through life that I am brave.
I want to be clear on some definitions. I am NOT fearless. I have many, many fears, and insecurities. But I try to face as many as I can possibly withstand— what I would define as bravery. I will do things that scare me, I will say things people are afraid to say, I will address issues where someone is afraid to speak, I will walk away from unhealthy relationships, I will ask questions people are afraid to ask, and I will put myself in situation after situation where my hands are physically shaking. Now, my haters may use other words for some of my bravery: vain, self-centered, big-mouthed, assertive, confrontational. But because I’ve become someone who walks into my fear, I can proudly say I’ve experienced so many amazing aspects in life that I would’ve missed out on had I been that girl on that roller coaster platform. I’ve seen the world, I’ve met amazing and crazy people, I’ve lived all over the US by myself, I’ve given training/speeches in front of 100+ crowds, I’ve experienced amazing love, I’ve had mind-blowing “relations”, I’ve ran amazing marathons in Canada/US, I’ve tried out for the Voice, I’ve written blogs, I’ve written songs, I’ve written books, I’ve put my fat arse on camera/social media/on stage for people to critique & judge, I’ve walked away from good-paying safe jobs for a risk, I’ve walked away from a lifeless marriage for hope, I’ve played & recorded my own music and put it on YouTube for others to view and critique, I’ve stood in front of 200+ people and read my poems or sang my songs for the ones I loved. I’ve done some scary shit. Some amazing shit. Some epic shit.
Now, before you think my head is insanely-gigantic, most of those items I listed didn’t last, ended in failure, or I still enjoy to this day but just suck at (for lack of better words). The important thing for people to hear, is despite the result, every one of those things felt AMAZING. I felt like I had wings after experiencing each. Truly lifted and inspired and motivated to keep flying.
Now here I am in my 40s, just recently switched careers from a very safe-strong-company in search of something better. Hoping for something more aligned with my soul and my purpose. I felt a glimmer of hope, when I read the company motto on my first day—-“Do Epic Shit.” My jaw almost hit the desk. Could I have found my tribe? I found out later that day, that the CEO encourages risks, and actually rewards “the biggest mistake”. This sounds fearless.
Yesterday, one month into the job, I was sent to “Purpose & Passion” Training. The HR leader opened the meeting explaining how this is truly a gift from the company, where we will spend the entire day self-reflecting on our lives thus far. He clarified that this day, if we put our energy into it, could help us uncover why we were born. Some folks reading this may roll their eyes right now, thinking it sounds hokey. But I love self-reflection, so I was all-in.
I’ve always wished I understood my purpose in life, as I’ve always been someone that loves so many left-brain hobbies (writing, singing, music), with a career that is primarily right-brained. Or to say it another way, I always felt passionate and fulfilled when I was creating something artistic (writing/music/dance), whereas at work I honed the non-artistic skills I needed to be financially successful. I felt a bit like Jekyll & Hyde between work and home, with no real vision on how to completely cross contaminate the two worlds, and actually make a living. However, I did find a few ways to engage my left-brain at work: I learned to use creative problem-solving for root cause analysis, I developed unique team systems to drive/encourage my teammates, and I wrote lots of farewell odes to people transferring out of our location… but I wanted more. Honestly, I knew it was time to leave my last big corporate job, when the company had determined it was best for results to prescribe very detailed standards on how to do all aspects of your job (so that anyone could easily know how to do any job). Unfortunately for me, that eliminated any left brain creativity, so instead of feeling enlightened & fulfilled, I felt like a robot. So, anywho, back to the Purpose & Passion Training—-I started the day praying that I’d find a way to use my passionate left-brain at work and that those passions would become an overwhelming force for my purpose in life.
So, we spent the day talking through our core values, our learned values, our natural gifts. All intriguing and moving memories to sort through. At one point we were asked to discuss one of our many peak experiences in life (where time stands still and we are truly fulfilled). There are so many but I chose the feeling I had at my sister’s wedding when I read her my toast. It was a doctor-suessy-kinda-rhymed poem and it was meant to make everyone laugh and cry. I had effortlessly written it in 30 minutes because that is one of my natural gifts, and then tweaked it & practiced it for months, making sure I had the cadence down perfectly. The peak moment was actually when I delivered the toast. The reason it was a peak moment for me: (1) I got to share my love for my sis/brother-in-law in a public way, hopefully making them feel more loved as they recognized the effort it took and the fear in my voice, (2) I got to use a natural gift I have for writing, (3) I got to artistically create something, (4) I got to walk into one of those fearful moments, & (5) I immediately recognized that people appreciated my gift from all the laughter, tears, and applause. I sat down, hands shaking, as I finished the last of my beer. I felt like I was flying.
So when we had to close out the Purpose & Passion Training by writing our own Purpose & Passion statements. I pulled from all the cool experiences we had dug through all day. The leader, Cindy, was amazing, coaching me through the right words and right tone, pulling out of my heart what I was scared to see. And when I finished I was amazed at the experience.
I feel like I now understand what my purpose in life is.
At the end of the day, we stood in a circle and read our Purpose & Passion statements out loud. When we started the meeting, the HR leader read his passion statement—2 or 3 words that can immediately pull him into his most powerful energy/mindset/peak moment. It doesn’t need to make sense to anyone else (i.e. one person’s was “Bacon & Eggs”), as long as it brings you into your most fulfilled mindset. These 2 words are used to open every single meeting at my company—you say, for example, “I am Bacon & Eggs” at the start of each and every meeting to show you are clearheaded and ready to focus on the topic at hand.
Then he read his purpose statement; there’s a format for this piece—who you are, how/what you want to do for yourself and others, and why. These statements we post in our offices. They should be a reminder of why we are here on earth, our true north, our compass.
Without further ado, here is my Purpose & Passion statements—
Passion: I am Fearless Lyrics
Purpose: With optimistic courage and passionate motivation, I inspire myself & others to creatively use our minds & differences to sprint over life’s hurdles, so that we may joyously share our fearless lyrics in the spotlight of life.
Essentially, I want everyone I love and work with to find a way to use their creative differences to better the world. To not back down from their fears, scary situations, or uncomfortable positions. To find their own fearless lyrics to show the world their greatness.
I feel blessed to have experienced this training, and so encouraged to be part of this amazing company.
But to be clear, I still prefer the damn carousel.