Ah, mom guilt! One of those sneaky little side effects that show up the moment you get pregnant. You don’t hear a bunch about it, and or course, it affects some moms more than others, but the bottom line —>it sucks.
Let me start by defining this phrase “mom-guilt”. I am not talking about having self-inflicted-guilt as a mom, because I think that is a given. We, as moms, have guilt over all sorts of things— some stupid, some not. This type of internal-guilt goes hand-in-hand with worrying. Worrying if we are getting enough veggies in our kids, or if we are correcting/disciplining effectively. Worrying if we put our child in the right childcare, and if we found the most-effective preschool for them? Worrying about if we responded fast enough to a bug-bite that got infected, or if we are putting our kids to bed at the right time. It goes on and on, and quite honestly is not fun to think about, read about, or write about for that matter. So, I’m not here to write about internal-mom-guilt.
I’m here to write about the guilt put on moms by others. It is so common, and so natural, it may at times go unnoticed —by the giver and/or the receiver. I have to be honest and say that I guarantee I have put guilt on moms in my past! I thought I was handing out helpful advice, or thought I knew more (for some ridiculous reason). But I for sure have been guilty of this, as well. So my intent of this blog is to hopefully bring this concept to light a bit more, so that (1) maybe those dosing it out will become more aware of the affects of their “simple comments” & knock it off, and (2) those inhaling it will learn to let it go by knowing it is so common and all moms have to deal with it.
So let me start by saying, there can be malicious criticism of moms, and that is unexplainable… inexcusable. I mean, we all have a relationship with a mom for sure, and many of us are moms or are married to moms, right?? However, the majority of what I hear and see is not malicious, but rather uneducated, inexperienced, or good-intentions-gone-wrong types of mom-guilt! So to simplify my blog, I have put the different types of mom-guilt in 3 buckets: preggo-guilt, baby-guilt, and ongoing-mom-guilt! Let me explain:
Preggo-guilt: This is probably my most unfavorite form of mom guilt, and was obviously the first form I encountered. It amazes me how many people feel like they have the right to hand out criticism, opinions, and therefore, guilt, to expectant mothers. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I’m not a huge-toucher; it weirds me out if people touch me! So learning to cope with the random belly rub from a stranger was hard enough; I was really not prepared for strangers (and everyone else) feeling the right to question every decision I was making. I mean, you go from being a full-functioning GAW (grown-arse-woman), who somehow has managed to make it through the day safely and successfully without getting input/advice from anyone, (unless specifically requested) to now being apparently a toddler (the best comparison I can think of)—because people start questioning if you should eat that, or drink that, or carry that, or work, or play, or blah blah blah. And folks aren’t even sneaky when dosing out this form of guilt, they just feel the right to come up and say “Do you really think you should be here since it’s so hot? Or since people are smoking? Or since you have to stand so long?” To a non-parent, this may not seem like a big deal to you, but it can cause moms to stress out, and eventually causes them to take shelter in their homes as much as possible!!! To help others who may not have experienced this in their lives, imagine if you were leaving for work one morning and you go outside and someone is standing there by your car and says, “Do you think you should be driving to work since you haven’t rotated your tires recently?” And then as you are driving to work someone says, “Do you really think you should be in the fast lane driving the speed limit?” And as you are leaving work someone yells out, “Now make sure you don’t speed!” Although all good points, wouldn’t that drive you nuts? Wouldn’t that make you want to yell back, “Mind ‘ja biz-ness, got it handled over here!” It’s insane, and annoying, and the worse part is, it adds unnecessary stress to expecting-mommas. So, in my opinion (which isn’t worth much), keep your hands and your opinions to yourself unless you are specifically asked! You wanna help a preggo-chick, open the door for her, or let her jump in front of you in line at the bathroom! But if you see her crossing a line you wouldn’t necessarily cross (like eating a very dangerous deli-meat sandwich)—just leave her be!
Baby-guilt: This one is a doozy too, especially on your first baby—-mainly because you don’t know what the heck you are doing! The advice comes at your forehead like bullets from an automatic weapon! Every turn, every family/friend visit, every shopping trip to the grocery, you are taking on fire, and can’t seem to find cover until safely back in your home! Don’t get me wrong, any new mom is also asking for help. But asking for help and in turn getting helpful advice is not stressful! However, if it took all morning for you to gain the courage to go to the supermarket with your new baby, (and coincidentally the only reason you are venturing out is because a friend guilted you into leaving the house), and then when you get in the produce section some sweet-looking-little-old-lady says, “Why in the world would you bring your baby to a germy place like this already… You should be home!” See this is where the craziness begins! People make you feel guilty about NOT doing X, you go and do X and of course, someone is standing there smiling, handing out free samples of guilt for doing X. Mommas, at some point you have to just go with your gut! Folks—if you wanna help a new momma out, tell her her baby is beautiful, let her cut in line at the grocery to get out of the line of fire, and keep your oh-so-helpful advice to yourself!
Ongoing-momma-guilt: Now, since I am no-longer preggers, and I’m not a new-mom, I currently reside in this guilt-zone! And although people still give unwanted advice, it is usually much less frequent. But now, in this fun-guilt-zone you get to enjoy bold-judgmental comments to your face, behind your back, or on FB! I have so many examples of this, I think it would be easier/quicker to just list them out:
(a) PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PUBLIC-SHAMING: This would be the eye-rolls you get at restaurants, stores, or church, if you do ANYTHING that is in the eye-rollers’ eyes as wrong (see what I did there, eye-rollers’ eyes, ?). This could include letting your child talk too loud/cry/act out, disciplining your child, not disciplining your child, etc. ANYTHING AT ALL. People, give me a break! I guarantee you the most uncomfortable person there is that mom. So chill out, and help her out by acting like it’s not phasing you!
(b) WORK-SHAMING: People (including fellow-moms) love to dose out opinions on if a mom should work or not. I guarantee, out of all the decisions in life that you have to make, this one is the hardest for a mom. There are so many variables and questions with the right path (too many to go into), but the one thing you should know is it’s the decision for the mom/dad. Period. And no decision is the right one, it just is what it is. I recently went back to work, part time, after debating this for a long time. And it is a scary decision; lots of pros and cons for your life, your marriage, and your family. I was impressed with my company working this part time option for me—and I felt very blessed. Most of my coworkers have given me encouragement for coming back and choosing the path I have chosen, to work less than full time while my kids are young. However, unfortunately I have also been handed a bit of mom-guilt from my coworkers, as well—something I wasn’t expecting since the corporate policy allows for this work option. But, oh no, this fun guilt arrived on my doorstep, nicely wrapped in half-joking comments like, “Wow, you used to be so driven, what happened?” and, “So how long you gonna do this part time thing, I mean don’t you think other people would love to get this time off too?”… And of course, I was handed the flip side comments like, “I can’t believe you came back when they are so young?” Seems like our corporations are coming around quicker than our people are, sadly enough.
(c) THE CORRECTING-YOUR-CHILD “FRIEND”: Ummmm. Don’t correct other people’s kids, especially in front of them. Clearly I’m not talking about a safety-issue. If my child is running towards the street, by all means, help a momma out and snatch my child up by the scruff of their neck! But if you don’t like my kid chewing out loud, or interrupting, or playing too rough with your kid, deal with it or move somewhere else. There is no quicker way to voice your mom-guilt towards me then telling my child to stop running, or stop talking, or stop yelling? Not to mention that in many cases you will correct the child in wrong way and cause worse behavior. For example my 3 year old will do whatever you tell her not to do. So I had someone at a work function (big audience) tell her once, “Don’t hit your sister with that cup”…. Well that was immediately followed with a crack to her baby-sister’s head. I would never have corrected her that way, and we would have avoided that injury. So if you aren’t the parent, politely buzz off?
(d) THE-I-AM-SO-TOUGH-BEHIND-MY-COMPUTER-SCREEN ATTACK: And lastly, the ridiculous comments on media about parenting! This really showed its ugly head during the recent-gorilla-scandal, and this week the alligator-story. I was truly sickened by the immediate judgement and comments made by people/fellow moms/”friends”, blaming the mom. Sadly, with no facts on what the mom did or didn’t do. This is mom-guilt at its core, raw state. I hate to think about how many moms read all the ignorant, and again uneducated/inexperienced comments, and thought, “Oh my goodness, I better get a leash for my kid when I go to the zoo… I had no idea that many people were watching and judging my parenting”. Honestly folks, if you are a parent and you judged that mom, shame on you. There is no way you ever got through raising a child without many scary moments where you turned your head and something bad happened, or almost happened. So go home to your glass house and hang out there for awhile, because you aren’t welcome in my tribe of forgivers & supporters. If you are a non-parent, making judgment, well you should really stand back and take a good look at yourself. Because making judgment on that mom, when you have never filled her shoes, is just silly and insulting. It’s like judging the struggles of alcoholic when you don’t drink, or judging someone’s life when they work shift-work if you never have! You just won’t get it. Ever. So please stop if you are one of these people! It’s completely ridiculous.
Wow, I feel adrenaline rushing through my body, on that final note! A clear sign of a passionate blog! So I guess to wrap this baby up (pun fully-intended), please be kind to moms (well, really everyone). There is so much additional responsibility when ladies take on this role, let’s try to not be the straw that breaks their backs, but instead the village that lifts them and their family up?